[ he doesn't really have the energy to explain to shouichi why they actually should be put aside and are not important so..... he'll just move on....... ]
Well anyway The thing I was going to tell you.
It's still a secret to almost everyone. It is kind of
[ he shouldn't come right out and say it's terrible yet... should he? ]
extreme ... maybe Or something But I dont want to make you feel like you have to keep secrets for me or carry a burden or anything like that so If I tell you I don 't mind what you decide to do I mean you dont have to promise not to tell anyone else Or not to be angry Or anything
Although I really That is, it was strange I was not planning to do anything like that The weapon I used appeared suddenly And it felt as though someone else was moving my body But
I think I had already been under their influence before that. I didnt notice at the time but my way of thinking about things had changed somewhat ... And after that I had become completely loyal to the Rasalhague. But I did not feel as though my actions were being controlled. I believed they were trying to save us ... I knew I was different but I thought it was because the Twelve had brainwashed me before. I thought they had brainwashed everyone.
So it was only during that moment that I felt " possessed. "
I was scared. But I thought I had done the right thing.
I guess It's kind of nice that you' re not making a big deal out of it Even though it actually is a really big deal So maybe that's not good after all. I dont know. But I appreciate it.
i think the fact of the matter is i know that you are a good person so there must be an underlying explanation
do not get me wrong i am concerned however this is nowhere near the first situation of this nature i have been subjected to, you see. i can understand how these things
how accidents can happen like this i
i am more concerned for you and your state of well being having been through that sort of thing
i feel as if that would have been traumatic please do not count that out when considering your well being
since i don't personally think you are the type to do something like that without a good reason or without outside influence
i spent most of the time when things were most stressful here in the clinic so i can't say i experienced any hardship aside from an increase in working hours
No Thank you I mean it is very kind of you But I am definitely completely ok. Besides even if I werent I'm not really what's important here. I'm not the one who was killed or betrayed. Or tortured. or anything.
Either way. I wasn't killed. Or tortured. Or anything. I made a lot of things worse for a lot of people. Not because I was possessed but because of who I am.
Because If I had acted the way the others did who were possessed, people would have known something was wrong right away and then stopped me right away.
But I was a coward. I kept it a secret. Even though I was really on their side, I only did dishonest things. Everyone else fought bravely for what they believed was right, even if their thinking had been twisted ... I couldnt even do that . If I had just been honest or had any integrity (even if it was for the wrong side) things would have ended up better. for a lot of people.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i hope you are also
i understand you've had a difficult few weeks
not a bother at all
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No it's not really like that ...
I mean
It was much more difficult for many other people.
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what was difficult?
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Because you said I had a difficult few weeks
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i don't think you should put your feelings or struggles aside, however
they are still important
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Well anyway
The thing I was going to tell you.
It's still a secret to almost everyone.
It is kind of
[ he shouldn't come right out and say it's terrible yet... should he? ]
extreme ... maybe
Or something
But I dont want to make you feel like you have to keep secrets for me or carry a burden or anything like that so
If I tell you I don 't mind what you decide to do
I mean you dont have to promise not to tell anyone else
Or not to be angry
Or anything
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so i doubt it will affect my judgment of you at all
if it will make you feel better to say it
then that is what you should do
[ because he really doesn't mind. he sympathises, if anything. ]
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But that isnt what really matters I don't think.
Anyway
Do you know about what happened right before the Rasalhague started invading?
When Kriossan was attacked in the Fire Temple
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Well
That was me.
( Although I do not know how it got broadcast or why. )
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so you...
oh.
[ oh. ]
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Although I really
That is, it was strange
I was not planning to do anything like that
The weapon I used appeared suddenly
And it felt as though someone else was moving my body
But
yes.
text
you were taken control of? back then?
you must have been terrified
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I mean
Kind of.
I think I had already been under their influence before that. I didnt notice at the time but my way of thinking about things had changed somewhat ...
And after that
I had become completely loyal to the Rasalhague. But I did not feel as though my actions were being controlled. I believed they were trying to save us ... I knew I was different but I thought it was because the Twelve had brainwashed me before. I thought they had brainwashed everyone.
So it was only during that moment that I felt " possessed. "
I was scared.
But I thought I had done the right thing.
text
sorry i am trying to understand the mechanics of this
to tell the truth i sometimes think the twelve have brainwashed everyone too. it's hard to decide to who trust in this type of matter.
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I guess
It's kind of nice that you' re not making a big deal out of it
Even though it actually is a really big deal
So maybe that's not good after all.
I dont know.
But I appreciate it.
Anyway
I'm not really sure what I should do.
text
i know that you are a good person
so there must be an underlying explanation
do not get me wrong
i am concerned however
this is nowhere near the first situation of this nature i have been subjected to, you see.
i can understand how these things
how accidents can happen like this
i
i am more concerned for you
and your state of well being
having been through that sort of thing
text
Oh
Im really ok
I mean my state of well being is definitely fine
How is yours?
text
please do not count that out
when considering your well being
since i don't personally think you are the type
to do something like that without a good reason
or without outside influence
i spent most of the time when things were most stressful here in the clinic so
i can't say i experienced any hardship aside from an increase in working hours
i am just as fine as ever.
text
Thank you
I mean it is very kind of you
But I am definitely completely ok.
Besides even if I werent I'm not really what's important here.
I'm not the one who was killed or betrayed. Or tortured. or anything.
text
do you mean to say that
you do not see yourself as a victim
text
dont know.
But
Either way.
I wasn't killed. Or tortured.
Or anything.
I made a lot of things worse for a lot of people.
Not because I was possessed but because of who I am.
text (sorry i was on vacation!!)
i don't think i understand
i'm sorry
text (weren't we all)
If I had acted the way the others did who were possessed, people would have known something was wrong right away and then stopped me right away.
But I was a coward.
I kept it a secret.
Even though I was really on their side, I only did dishonest things.
Everyone else fought bravely for what they believed was right, even if their thinking had been twisted ...
I couldnt even do that .
If I had just been honest or
had any integrity (even if it was for the wrong side)
things would have ended up better. for a lot of people.
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but i believe you are being too hard on yourself
and to hold onto regret only keeps time from passing properly
if you can't go back and change it
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